No Longer Vain. :)

With 18 months completed, Let's Be Vain is now officially closed.

Cheap Living!

Listen up, my Let's Be Vain-ers.  It's time to start enjoying life, while spending very little.  Which is my life long mission.  It's cheap Monday!!!  Where I share with you some ways to enjoy life on the cheap.

Yesterday was by far one of my most full fun days and it was all done on less than it should've been.

It started off with the 11:15 moring showing of 'Kick Ass' at the AMC Kennedy.  Early showings are only $6.  Wake up early and indulge in a movie that's 50% the discount of a regular movie.

From there, it was off to the beach for some free fun.  For those who drive, there's the option of paying for parking or you can do it my way.  Park on Leslie at the Loblaws or Wendy's or Shopper's and then enjoy a walk/blade/bike down to Ashbridges Bay.  Bring along your sunscreen, ipod, and book and there's free fun to be had.

After a few hours of beach-in-it-up, my lad and I decided to go the active route of rock climbing at Toronto Climbing Academy.  Recently, we scored a sweet HUGELY discounted deal at Groupon.  For $49, we received a free introductory course, one month membership and free equipment rental each time.  Two hours of working many muscle groups and sweating ourselves silly, we were done with being active and ready to eat.

Utilizing another Groupon massive discount, we showered at home and then headed over to Local 4.  Neither of us had ever heard of or been to this pub before, but with a $40 coupon after spending only $16, we were prepared to eat.  Drinks, appetizers, catfish for me, pulled pork for him and our bill came to less than $60.  Minus the $40 discount, and we paid around $36 for the whole meal.

Arrived home close to 10, watched an old dvd series (more free fun), and passed out knowing that it had been one full, yet cheap day o' fun.

What's your cheap way to enjoy yourself these days?

SITTING BESIDE THE LAKE

Thursday, April 22, 2010

SITTING BESIDE THE LAKE

By Philip Cairns

Copyright 2010 by Philip Cairns

The oak tree speaks to me with incandescent whispers.
Jewels of delight pour from the depths of her marrow.
Sapphires of wisdom shoot from her roots straight into my thumping heart.
I’m disappointed, as usual,
For we don’t always speak the same language.

The blue-grey water saunters by,
Minding her own business.
A nasty, aggressive goose keeps attacking its fellow citizens,
Angry for some unfathomable reason.
Its squawking disturbs the tranquility of the lake.

Seagulls scream when they discover food.
A pure white swan dives for fish or just watches the world go by.
Pretty under-dressed women rollerblade along the pavement,
Chattering and gossiping in a loud, annoying manner.
Dark, spooky rainclouds hover ominously in the distance.

Despite the drizzle,
The sun peaks out,
Every once in a while,
Just for the hell of it.
Far away are tall, swaying buildings.

The Goddess manifests herself in blinding sun rays and light blue mist,
Way out by the horizon line.
I sit pondering the Afterlife and good friends I have known.
My dwindling bank balance hovers over my tense shoulders,
Preying on my jangling monkey mind.

A siren screams in terror as a fit young man rows by,
Followed by a bossy guy in a motor boat.
A red-winged bird shouts and prances as it digs for food,
Calling out to its cohorts.

All is calm and peaceful,
Despite the highway and the city cacophony in the background.
My mind suddenly becomes as still as a meditating yogi,
Down by the shimmering lake that I love.

We’ve gone through so much together,
Over the years.
You are my dear companion.
Water is my favourite element.

Speak to me, again,
Beautiful oak tree.
This time, I promise to decipher your profound, secret code.

Just Think If You Found The One...

Tonight, I had dinner with two of my favourite university friends.  We have a tradition that started about 3 years ago, where we get together at the start and the end of each semester.  It's a time to catch up on the previous 2-3 months, vent about school, laugh about life, and enjoy one another's company.

We started talking about relationships and Itsy Bitsy (nickname for one) blurted out that she had only ever been with her current partner.  They met in high school and almost 2 decades later, they were still together.  Me being me, I just couldn't fathom the possibility of sleeping with only one person for your whole life.

"How do you know it's good sex?  Do you think of others?  Have you had a threesome?  Does he look at porn?  Would it bother you?  Do you have really crazy sex to keep things exciting over all these years?  If so, does involve midgets, s&m, a sling...there must be at least a sling." - These were my rapid fire questions that just came flying out and in a very much teasing way.

Uppity (nickname for the other) could certainly understand my questioning.  Uppity had spent many years with a husband that didn't fulfill her at all.  After numerous years, she finally recently ended it and is now in a great relationship.  She found it in a place that she never knew that she would...with another woman.  She believes now that all those years of suffering led her to this great relationship.

Driving home from dinner, I had a moment of 'Whoa.'  Just think if I found the one back in high school and hadn't spent this last decade moving from relationship to relationship, dating here, whore-ing this month, etc.  Even once I'm in a relationship, I wonder if they are the one or if I should start again.  I date for longer than I should in the hopes that they'd turn out better.  I hate myself for being casual for awhile and not really enjoying any of it.

All of a sudden, I started to think that Itsy Bitsy had it easy and I was envious of what she had.  She's genuinely happy.  She's found her soul mate and her eyes light up talking about him.  She has 2 beautiful kids.  She's got her house.  She's able to focus on fitness, work, and school without the distraction of 'Is this what I really want in a partner?'

What'd you think?  Would your life be easier if you found 'the one' many years ago? Do you enjoy the constant search for 'the one'?  Have you given up on finding 'the one'?

RANDOM THOUGHTS/JEWELS OF DELIGHT

Sunday, April 18, 2010

RANDOM THOUGHTS/JEWELS OF DELIGHT

By Philip Cairns

Copyright 2010 by Philip Cairns

Emeralds are shooting out of my crown chakra.
Tiny rubies fall gently from my tearing eye sockets.
I’m spitting deep blue star sapphires from my mouth.
There is no pain,
Just jubilation and sparkling colours.

The bitter old man was tarred and feathered with vicious lies.
Vile allegations of dark troubles and misplaced fears.
The twang of deep-rooted illness hovered over his head.
It was all profoundly untrue.

The paintbrush shook in the artist’s slender hand.
Indecision and self-loathing prevented him
From diving into the sea of discovery,
The bejewelled well of creativity.
The critical dialogue in his head played, repeatedly.

Listen to the wonderful words of dance legend Martha Graham.
Don’t question or criticize.
Just do it.
Let it flow.
Use your Goddess-given talents without fear or crippling uncertainty.

Create the new dance.
Sing higher than you can.
Dive off the mountain without a net.
You will surely land in a safe place.

Let the spirit of Rembrandt or Rimbaud inhabit you.
Throw out the soiled detritus.
Sometimes the world won’t understand or even care.
March forward to the sound of the soothing music in your head.

You might fall into that bleak rabbit hole, one careless day,
The bottomless pit of despair,
Hitting the hard sides of the abyss, as you tumble down, down.
Listen to the faint, cheerful words calling out to help you.

He put on a wig of sunflower yellow.
A sleeveless black dress with silver overlay.
High-heeled shoes covered in rhinestones and sequins.
Glossy lips of ruby red.

The fit young man danced like a dervish on the float in the parade.
He flirted with musclemen and twinks.
He gossiped and giggled, had the time of his life.
He’s dancing in the Gay Pride parade.

Baby-faced gym rats, transgendered delights.
Bull dykes and fem boys and bears.
Drag queens and leather men and PFLAG moms.
They’re all marching in the Gay Pride Parade.

A diamond popped out of my ear canal.
I attached it to my lobe with a piece of golden wire.
Freshwater pearls swirled fashionably around the width of my over-fed neck.
Pink pearls hung round my slender wrist.

The middle-aged man got in a pale blue car and drove to the Pacific Ocean.
He lay on the beach and lapped up the soothing breeze.
The tiny white bikini he wore attracted no crowd.
Solitude engulfed him like a warm cocoon.
He captured the glorious seascape on his artist’s canvas,
With layers and swirls of acrylic paint.
Blue, pink, yellow, mauve and lime green.

The ephemeral fish tank was full of delights.
Shells of every colour and design.
Semi-precious stones were shimmering placidly in the hot sand.
A sense of peace and calm soothed his tense nerves.
A tiny quartz crystal sat right in the middle of his Third Eye chakra.

Just breathe in the vibrations of the stars.
It takes no effort whatsoever.
Think of the timeless questions of the infinite Universe.
Living your life is the hard part.

I feel cute again.

DISCLAIMER:  

For a blog called, Let's Be Vain, this is by far the most personally vain-est post that I've done.

I feel cute again.  Surely not as cute as this kitten above, but still damn cute.  I can't recall the last time that I've looked in the mirror and actually took a second to be like, 'Hrem...not so bad, Mr. Stewart.'  Usually, it's a quick glance to moisturize away the dry skin on my face and then an even quicker glance at the hair that is often a disaster.  I couldn't tell you what I wore yesterday, or the day before, or even today to work.  My appearance and I parted ways a few months ago.

With the stress of work, school and art projects - something had to go.  My satisfaction with my looks was it.  I pair that with my lack of working out over a few months period, way too much stress from future life decisions, and illnesses coupled with irregular sleeping.

After a full 7.5 hours sleep last night (that's big in my world these days), a pretty good work day, and a work out - I feel cute again.  Why?  Vanity wise, I have a tan again - I think I look better w/ a tan.  I've been on my yoga challenge for almost 20 days (this equals a toned bod and peace of mind).  Emotionally wise, I've spent a lot of my week trying to do some good for others and that puts me in a great place too.

How about you?  Has the early summer brought you out of a funk?  Do you feel cute often or what influences it?

MY SECOND HEAD

Saturday, April 10, 2010

MY SECOND HEAD

By Philip Cairns

Copyright 2010 by Philip Cairns

Television ruined my life.
I grew a second head because of the radio-active waves.
It started as a pimple and just got bigger and bigger.
One day, I was awakened by loud cackling.
I thought it was a bad dream,
But it was this nasty second head, screaming lewd obscenities.
I went to the doctor but the head bit his fingers,
So amputation is out of the question.

My sex life is ruined.
This “thing” has Tourette’s Syndrome.
On a first date, the new man is truly horrified.
They always have an excuse for a quick exit.
No one ever says, “I can’t date you.
You have two heads.”
I think it’s best to be honest and straightforward,
Don’t you?

The worst part is that this appendage has foul breath
And refuses to do anything about it.
It’s a total turn-off.
I wake up in the morning in the jaws of hell,
Let me tell you.
This thing turns towards me and kisses me,
Smack on the lips.
It’s thoroughly disgusting.
I hate it so much.
It also belittles me and says cruel things to me.

One day, I’ll get a chain saw and cut it off,
When it’s sleeping.
Having a twin would be oh so nice
But this creature is deranged.
When I walk down the street,
It says rude things to people passing by.
It screams out nasty, sexist things to pretty women
And makes verbal passes at all the hunky young men.
Thank God I can run fast or my face would be a bloody pulp.

I think it may be bi-polar, actually.
Sometimes, the head weeps all day,
Spouting out negativity and cynicism,
Calling the world a vile, mean, horrid place.
It’s hard for me to concentrate when I read
With all that horrid babbling.

If I paint a pretty picture, it says things like,
“What a piece of crap! You have no talent.
Don’t give up your day job.”
That always puts me in a funk.

This wicked thing has bulimia, on top of everything else.
Just picture it!
It’s beyond monstrous.
Perhaps I should see a lawyer and find out what my legal options are.
Life can throw you some cruel curves.
Can someone help me?
Please!!
I just don’t know what to do.