One of my favourite symbols is the yin yang. To me, it represents that we exist within this balance. A balance of good vs. not so good, happy vs. sad times, and struggles vs. successes.This week has been one of those prime examples that I exist within a balance.
On Monday, I saw an idea that came to me in August '08 finally happen. Hard & Able: celebrating queer disability was a huge success. From a financial point, we raised almost enough money to be able to do it again. Or be creative and run it for less. :) From an artistic point of view, I proved to myself that I can create a piece that is both inspired, yet still Jay Stewart styled. Intellectually, I learned so much from this project. I've never been a great promoter, but I found others to teach me how. I learned how to caption videos, a skill that I will use from now on.
From a social perspective, it proved that not only are there queer disabled producers of art, there's a large community of queer disabled consumers of art. Never at any event that I have attended or performed at, have I seen such a large visible group of disabled individuals. To look out and see a venue filled to standing room only was a thrilling moment for me. At the very end, I found myself completely in the moment and almost brought to tears. It reassured me that hard work, late nights, striving for something that you believe in, involving supporters, and reaching out will breed success. Thank you to each and everyone of you who supported me throughout the project and who took time out to support it in person.
From that high came the balance...
I lost a wonderful person today to a battle against cancer. I met her only a few years ago, but she will have a lasting impact on me. She was my ex's grandma, but after monthly visits and many games of scrabble (which she always won) and cribbage (which I sometimes won), she made me feel like she was my Grandma too.
You often hear stories of the older generation not grasping or accepting alternative sexualities, but thankfully that's yet to be my case. Grandma accepted me as her grandson's partner and welcomed me with both open arms and heart. I was always welcomed with a strong hug and a kiss that left a mark (truly her trademark). We'd sit and play games for hours, talk, and always have a great time. She'd end off the evening with another hug and a kiss, plus an 'I love you guys.'
To my understanding she battle cancer before and beat it. This time, it came back and operating was not an option. I watched her go from this strong woman insisting on doing everything at each family dinner to having to lay on her couch, but always in good spirits. This last January, she was finally admitted to palliative care. There, my ex and I continued our visits and I bought a scrabble board, so that we could continue those good times. For 8 months, I think that I visited at least monthly. Only recently had she refuted games of scrabble due to exhaustion, but always wanted to know what was going in my life. She would even brush her hair and put on some lipstick for my arrival.
Very quickly, things started to get worse. I believe it was my visit a week ago, where she slept for most of it and was having difficulty opening her one eye. I saw her again this last Wednesday, when she mustered up the strength to say 'Hi Jay' twice and it almost brought me to tears. While we were waiting in the lounge for the nurses to take care of her, she specifically asked to see me. Her whole family around and she asks for me. Let's just say, I was very honoured. Laying almost listless in her bed, curled up to one side, she held tightly onto my hand and smiled as I told her that I loved her. She kept squeezing and kissing my hand. She then struggled to tell me something, at first incomprehensible, and then much clearer. She said 'Every time I see you, you're always so nice.' I've been told that she had barely spoken all day and yet, took the opportunity to share that with me.
It hit me quite hard. I can tend to put up an emotional wall around me to ensure that those around me can't hurt me. Some see it as being distant/cold. Grandma was someone who was able to easily penetrate the wall and see me for who I strive to be. She reminded me that it's not about the gifts that we bring each other or the momentous occasions that we share. It's something as simple as being nice to one another. That's it, nothing huge or life altering, just being nice. Afterwards for the first time in my life, I cried loudly in the car in the public parking lot.
I was lucky enough to spend 3-4 hours with her on Friday night surrounded by her immediate family. I was able to watch her in her last hours breathing deeply and yet still comprehending what was going on. It was difficult to leave her, but I knew that she had lived a long life and had been a true fighter right to the end. I finally managed to get to sleep, when I was awoken to the sound of my cell phone buzzing and knew that she had finally passed. I didn't feel quite as sad, when the news was confirmed. While I'm upset that she is gone, I know that this is best. She is now at peace and back with her husband of many years. Plus, one is never gone, as long as you celebrate them through memories.
Life always come in balance is what I believe in. During the roughest moments, I know that the good times are in the distance. During the greatest times, I indulge knowing that a rough moment can pop up at any time.
