Why are you single?

Probably the most asked question (and probably the most annoying one) when people meet you first or when people haven’t seen you in so long is, “Are you dating someone?” And if the answer is, “No,” they would eventually assume that they have the right to ask you more questions about “Why are you single?” and try to interrogate you as if you committed the greatest social crime, that is, of being single (by choice or by force).

I was reading this article by Jason Dilts called “A Single Problem,” where he talks about (in a critical and academic way) being gay and single. There have been many writers who wrote about this, one of them being Steven Bereznai in his book Gay and Single...Forever? However, I like Dilts’ take on being gay and single because he speaks more for the twenty-somethings while Bereznai’s I find wrote more for the thirty and fourty-somethings.

What I like about Dilts’ article is his self-liberation from the social and cultural pressures of finding a man to complete his life; rather, he comes to the realization that the most important thing to complete someone’s life is not a boyfriend (or a life-partner or whatever kids call them these days) but it is about truly loving and valuing one’s self and having a self-affirming identity. I think the most important factor that people don’t get is that we need to create an identity for ourselves and not having someone to validate that identity for us; but rather, having us to validate that identity and learn to say “fuck off” to whatever societal pressures are around us.

Afterall, happiness is a social construct and the point is to change it and have our own standards of happiness rather than measuring our happiness vis-a-vis whatever the society has prescribed as being “happy”. It is hard not to judge single people in a society which values and privileges heteronormative forms of relationships (that is, being in a coupled, monogamous relationship) and anything outside of these norms is frowned upon and devalued by the society.

The joys of being single cannot be warranted (and I don’t think I could ever give them up) especially the fact that I can live my life in my own terms, the fact that I could value my own accomplishments, my educational attainments, the friendships I have made and are making, the bond I make in my community and the change I make for the society is more than enough for me to say that I’m as happy as I could be. Being single should not be a problem. Being single should always be celebrated.

Where’s my parade bitches?