It's cool to buy illegal guns, but wrong to smack your bitch up!

Hey look, it's 2 famous urban artists, Chris Brown and T.I. They're responsible for such 'hits' as 'Forever' and 'Live Your Life.' One's a felon and the other isn't...yet.

T.I.'s got himself in trouble for trying to purchase machine guns. Chris Brown's in trouble for allegedly beating the shit outta Rihanna.

Now which one would you choose to be on your marketing campaign? I'll give you a few seconds to weigh the pros and cons. Convicted vs. innocent until proven guilty. Hrem...should be an easy one. Both kinda even in the looks department, though I'd rather do T.I. than Chris Brown. T.I. just seems more freaky. Chris is young and would probably just be a bit too hyper. Keep debating and then jump to the next paragraph for the answer.

It's....the convicted felon, T.I.!!! You see, there's a film coming out in 2010 (yep, that far away) called 'Bone Deep' starring T.I, Chris Brown, and Hayden Christensen. Apparently, due to Chris Brown's beating up of Rihanna, they've deemed him too controversial to have in any posters, trailers, or anything like that. Now T.I. is okay, cuz you know all he tries to do is buy illegal guns...you know to hunt for deer n shit...in the urban forest. :P

Not only does he get to be in the ad campaign, but he also gets his own show on MTV called 'T.I.'s Road to Redemption: 45 days.' You see, he's got to put in 1000 community service hours to prove to the judge that he's a good boy. If he does, he may get a reduced sentence. Each week, he gives a life lesson to a teenager on the 'wrong path.' Anybody else know what community hours is??? It's not getting paid to do a tv show. Getting paid is a job! Community service hours is donating your time for free, doing menial stupid ass work.

Now I'm in now way letting Chris Brown off for his alleged crimes. I fully support not playing his music, smashing his cds, and of course, having Rihanna's Dad go and kick the shit out of him.

I think that T.I. should be facing a little bit of trouble too. Boy's got a couple of convictions for ass kicking himself. Instead it seems like he's had nothing but success...which don't make no sense.

Today's life lesson of the day: It's cool to buy illegal guns, but wrong to smack your bitch up!

Do like Jesus, Lent it up, yo!

According to here, Lent is around the corner or today or yesterday...I'm still confused as to its date. Either way, Lent is when you give something up for 40 days. Jesus did it, so the idea is that you can too.

Last year, stupid kids gave up facebook for 40 days. How is that a challenge? Can't one just have the updates e-mailed to them and then technically, they aren't facebooking?? Yah, yah...see I totally caught them.

I think I had a friend give up junk food once. Which isn't hard for those of who crave carrots and dip. Another tried masturbation or maybe that wasn't a friend, but that awful Josh Hartnett movie.

I like personal challenges, but I'm not in it for lent. I don't get the idea of giving up shit, why not do 40 days of trying to improve yourself. A habit is created in like 21 days, so habit away!!!

Now here's what I've given up before...

Sex for 4 months after heart break.
Booze for a year after bad boozing incidents .
Myself for like 1st 2 years of high school. ;) Fuck, I hated high school.

Any plans for lent? Have you ever given something up before? What upcoming changes do you have?

Let's continue to be pervy!

Last week's poll indicated one thing to me, we've got ourselves a slutty audience. Or at least based on the 8 votes that the last poll received. Which means that we're slightly more successful than the previous poll. Even though our viewership more than doubled last week with 30 of you tuning each day to read.

A good 62% of you have had more than 50 partners. With 50% of you have had more than 100 partners and beyond. 25% have had less than 15 and I think that still makes us a little slutty. Though I guess it depends on how old that you are.

In keeping with our skanky theme, why don't we explore orgasms this week? We'll keep it pretty simple. What is the most orgasms that you've had in one day? They can be self inflicted or shared with one or more.

This could be way back in the day, when you first discovered masturbation and wanted to see how many you could shoot off before there was no more semen left and your dick was super raw and you couldn't jerk off for another few days. :P

Or maybe just a fuck a thon that you had in the early stage of a relationship, when it's all just lust filled.

It can be a combo too, maybe you jerked off in the morning, shared a cpl with another in the afternoon, and then jerked off again at night.

Think of the number of orgasms and make a vote on your right hand side!!!

Dirty Little Friend

By Kai Wa Yapp





You are my dirty friend.

No one knows about you, because you’re dirty.

Naughty, almost.

You dress yourself up in purple, sometimes pink.

You leave me breathless, hardly able to think.

You’re tall. Taller than most I know.

And that is what makes you my special, dirty friend.

I keep you hidden from my other friends.

When I hear you call, I make excuses.

When I need you desperately, I don’t bother with explanations.

When you are with me, I feel whole.

When men find out about you, they get scared.

Threatened.

Their power and purpose is usurped by your greatness.

My dirty friend, your reputation is known far and wide.

Your ability to please, I need not lie.

For those who know my special friend,

Know just as well as he or she or him or her,

That no one can beat my dirty, lil' vibrator.

Chesty Morgan

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

CHESTY MORGAN

By Philip Cairns

Copyright 2009 by Philip Cairns

Chesty Morgan contemplated having breast reduction surgery

And looking for a McJob.

Her huge breasts hung down so low

She was unable to cook breakfast on the stove.

Her tits would flop out of her negligee

And end up plopped into the frying pan,

Scrambling the eggs and burning her nipples.

At the age of 75,

They almost reached down to her labia.

Chesty had deep indentations on her shoulders

From the weight pressing down on her bra straps.

I bought a DVD, from the Net, of Chesty Morgan’s two starring roles on film.

Not porn, just campy soft-core exploitation silliness.

No sex, just lots of bare boobs.

I was fascinated by her appendages.

Chesty possesses the largest breasts I have ever seen in my life.

I sat mesmerized, as if I were watching the landing of a UFO.

She made her living from those ta-tas

But it must have been a nuisance to own them.

It would be like carrying 50 pounds of groceries with you

Everywhere you went.

In these two movies, Chesty wears bad blonde wigs,

Hideous, flowery Seventies clothes and five inch platform heels.

Her voice is dubbed because of her thick Polish accent,

I am told.

Is she the fifth Wonder of the World?

Having sex with her would be like screwing a waterbed!

Her teeth are kind of rotten at the back

Making me wonder if she has dragon breath.

The midriff bulge spills over the sides of her tight skirts.

Her breasts cascade out of the front of her enormous brassiere.

The screen is saturated with washed out reds and turquoise

Because the film stock has deteriorated in 35 years.

The tinny music reminds me of my wild youth.

I’m sure millions of men would love a wife with tits that big.

I want to meet Chesty Morgan and ask her about her stripping career.

I understand that, even to this day,

Pushing 80,

She still gardens in a halter top,

Frightening the neighbourhood children

And giving guilty boners to all the frustrated teenage boys.

Chesty was in Fellini’s “Casanova” but ended up on the cutting room floor.

You can watch a clip from the outtakes on YouTube.

A friend of mine went to see her strip at the Victory Burlesque Theatre on Spadina

Back in the late Seventies, when she was hot.

Chesty, you are a work of art, my dear.

A trailer trash diva made of fine cut crystal.

Bless you.

Ciggies.

Do you have a cigarette?
Can I light one up with you?
Can I bum a fag?

I don’t get it. I never got it. Smoking. It’s gross. I can’t stand the smell, and I can’t stand the taste of it on lips. And the health risks alone?! I’ve never been one to pollute my body with foreign substances. I don’t even trust the flu shot. But smoking? What good does it do?

A lot of my friends smoke. A lot of them. When we’re out, every fifteen minutes it’s a smoke break. Be it rain or shine, they will brace all weather for their nicotine fix. All huddled in a group. Smoking. Waving their hands in the air, gesturing emphatically while they tell stories about their children or spouses, their bodies fixed in a well-rehearsed formation of exclusivity, like when I was in high school and all the cool kids would stand by the smokers pit at the end of the driveway that lead up to our school… smoking. During class.

And you know that they totally think that they’re better than everyone, because it was just so cool to smoke. It was like a club! The smokers club of cool people. But the thing is, I’m not really a big fan of drawn-out suicide.

So there’s this guy at the office and he works with me on the 10th floor. He’s totally cute and seems really nice, but I never get to speak to him because I work on the south-facing-side of the floor and he works on the north-facing side of the floor. I occasionally get the usual nod of acknowledgment that all guys give to other guys, but that doesn’t even communicate anything and only frustrates me even more. And I can’t exactly walk all the way across the office and ask to borrow a stapler or a high-lighter. That’d be pretty stupid and silly of me, don’t you think?

But here’s the shitty part: he smokes. North-Facing-Hottie, NFH, smokes! Every day before lunch he goes out to the fourth floor cafeteria, grabs a coffee, black, no cream or sugar cause he’s healthy like that, and heads out to the balcony for a cigarette. But every, single, fucking day that stupid tramp Sally follows him out there, cupping his hands while he lights her cigarette, laughing and flipping that stupid hair of hers at all of his jokes, and enjoying the company of NFH while I sit inside, eating my stupid egg salad sandwich with Bob from the cubicle beside me and this chick from accounts payable. But sometimes… sometimes, I wonder. I mean, what would you do for a chance at true love? Could I do it? Could I really…would I really? PART TIME! Only part time. I would never take it up full time… but, oh, just to get a chance…

Fuck Off Rudy!!! Don't Mess with my Sue Johanson!

The picture on your left shows two different people. The first is cute innocent Rudy from The Cosby Show. She was occasionally bratty, but generally, a good mannered gal. Her and Vanessa would have fights, but then they'd learn a lesson from Papa Cosby and everybody would hug it out.

The picture to the right shows the 'after shot' - Rudy grew up and turned into a little 'stir the pot' bitch.

Read this!!! Rudy decided to take the gloves off and attack my poor Sue from the Sunday Night Sex Show. Apparently, she thinks that Sue is an old white woman and that her show isn't informative and that it's a joke! I call bull shit!

I don't know about you, but I remember listening to the Sunday Night Sex Show with Sue Johanson on AM 640. Every Sunday and just listening away to all the advice that I could suck up. I was in gr. 8, had moved into my 'rents basement, and my curiousity about sex was solved! I, then, discovered that it was a tv show on the Women's Network. She would always talk about using toys, but I never realized what they looked like. Until I saw them! She taught me it was okay to masturbate, different sex positions, and that a girl's smelly vagina may be a yeast infection.

Sue never never ever judged anybody that called, she would make light of the situation, but all in good fun. She didn't care that you were gay, straight, bi, trans, Sue just tells it how it is. She's fucking hot! Somebody who's that honest about sex is fucking hot in my books! Plus, you know, she's a registered nurse! She's smart!

So this is why I say, 'Fuck off Rudy!' - she's attempting to grab herself some attention. You know what, she's got it. Unfortunately, just pointing out how young and stupid she is. Why attack somebody who's been doing their job for years and making the world a better place? Little Rudy continues to make me smile through repeats in syndication...grown up Rudy is a bitch! Enough said.

Leave the Octu-Mama Alone!!

I ranted about this last night on Say Something! and I'm going to do it a bit more here.

If you haven't heard about it, google or check out this link here.

A lady had 8 babies...this is pretty fascinating shit! Instead of celebrating this feat, there's been nothing but hate sent her way. And I'm about to go all Chris Crocker on you all when I say, 'LEAVE HER ALONE!!!.'

She has 6 other kids, she's young, who cares...it's her right to have some babies. It's not our right to shove it back in her face or bring up stupid shit like she's depressed. One in two people suffer from depression...so eat shit and die. :P Plus, she's just had 8 babies...can we say postpartum depression? Another super serious mental illness.

Worst of all, this woman's Mother has stated that once she returns home, she isn't going to support her any more. Can you imagine being that much of a bitch?? Then being open about being that much of a bitch? Sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad!!!

Friggin Gerber's, you know the baby food people, we're all 'if we had plans on donating food, we would have announced it already.' They can't even give these babies a freakin jar of food??? Lame!!!

Now where am I coming from? I'm waving my child and youth care flag right in front of all your faces. Let's build up some supports for this Mom, cuz she's going to need it. Hell, my 'rents had 3 and we had a nanny. She's got 14!!! 8 of which are babies!!! Let's bring the community together, create a babysitting schedule, get corporate sponsors, hell somebody call Ty Pennington and build this gal a house!!!

It's easy to knock each other down, it's much harder to do something good for somebody else.

Peace out!

My Lost Bed

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

MY LOST BED

By Philip Cairns

Copyright 2009 by Philip Cairns

I mourn my lost bed,

Covered in clear plastic and thrown out in the trash.

There was no lover in it to pitch out with the orange peels.

I’m sleeping on the floor on a cream coloured carpet

And rolled up pink blankets to soften the blows.

I mourn my lost bed.

It made loud, strange noises every time I moved.

Louisa came for a Reiki treatment and leered,

“This wouldn’t be good for sex.”

There’s more room in the apartment, now,

But my spine misses the comfort of the mattress.

My loins miss the bliss of a lover’s touch.

I’m surfing in Hawaii.

Calling my agent from my sun-drenched deck at Malibu.

I’m walking the red carpet at Cannes

And holding a Golden Bear at Berlin.

I’d like a bed the size of my whole apartment,

Full of hunky floozies and scented candles,

Eating grapes and puking in marble buckets at my Roman orgy.

I lament the burial of my bed,

The first one I ever bought, myself, as an adult.

I’ll pretend I’m camping out at Algonquin Park

Instead of this hard floor and my soft daydreams.

Money in the bank.

Food in the fridge.

Lust in my belly and love between the sheets.

“Come home with me, baby.

We’ll start a life together, if you like.

We can make love on the floor.

I’ll make you feel so good,

You’ll think you’re on cloud nine.”

How’s that for a pick-up line?

My back aches.

I’ve never not had a bed.

Never dreamed I would live without one.

The bedbug epidemic stole my sweet nest.

Can I share yours, maybe, if you wouldn’t mind?

It’s not so bad.

I’ll imagine I’m a boy scout in a pup tent in the backyard.

I’ll invite my best friend for a sleep-over on the cold ground.

The two of us can fool around when it gets dark

As we both pretend to be asleep.

We’ll wake up in the morning in sticky pyjamas

With guilt in our 14 year old eyes.

My bed is dead but it’s not the end of the world.

Happy Valentine's Day All

Good Day All,

Well Happy Valentine's to all you lovers out there and I hope it is a wonderful day for you. Now don't take my picture the wrong way I just thought it was humorous. I am sure you all have plans for hanging out with that special someone and I am sure it will be one romantic evening. As for the rest of us, I say this should also be a day of celebration. Maybe you won't be getting laid or having a romantic dinner, but love means so many things, and it doesn't have to just be with a partner. If you are single, you should go out and be with your friends and family and celebrate the wonderful relationships you have with all the wonderful people in your life. As for me, a very close friend of mine is coming in from Calgary and spending the night with me. It has been a long time since her and I have hung out so I am looking forward to it. We are also going to a pantless party for singles....lol. Well it is all of our high school friends, so it won't be too strange. Who knows, straight boys in their underwear. ; ) That sounds like my kind of party.

I saw a wonderful movie last night, which I was surprised I would like. I am sure you have all heard of it...He's Just not that into you. Anyways I won't destroy the movie for you but it has some simple but important messages for the public and it really makes you think about how love effects us all...good or bad. The one thing it made me realize is that love shows up in the strangest places and especially when you are not looking for it. Everyone reacts to love differently but it all impacts us in one way or another. That being said, I am open to the possibility of being me and I know one day I will find love but in the meantime it is time to explore.

So what did you all think of the movie?

I wish you all a happy and SAFE Valentines Day.

You're not so pissy, but are you slutty?

Last week, I issued a poll to determine just how pissy you all were in the shower. So far this month, we've had 190 unique visitors and only 8 of you voted in the poll. FOR SHAME!!!

Here's what we learned from the poll, nobody was encouraged to attempt to piss in the shower from my posting. 25% of you are already frequent pissers. Please identify yourself and this way, I can be sure to wipe down your stall before I enter. 25% of you are pure like me and would never attempt such a nasty feat. :P 37% of yous have pissed once, never to piss again in the shower. And that is that!

Now that we've seen that you're all not so pissy, let's fine out how slutty you all are. Now we each have our own definition of what a slut is and that works for me. In fact, I hope to explore that further in my first ever attempt at an installation art project. (Interested? Let's work on it together.)

For this week's poll, let's simply explore the number of people that you have shared an orgasm with. So if you were a fan of the circle jerk back in grade school, you have to add up all the people who shot a load on the wookie cookie with you. If you sucked off the whole basketball team, add 'em up. If you were gang banged by the choir during band camp, try to count 'em up. If you orgasmed with them, they shall count for our purposes.

You're not so pissy, but are you slutty? Vote on the poll on the right at the top of this page!!!

Hey, Mr. Bigot!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

HEY, MR. BIGOT!!


By Philip Cairns


Copyright 2009 by Philip Cairns



Hey, Mr. Bigot!

Why do you care what I do in bed?

Mind your own fucking business.

If I want to eat baked beans and stick a trumpet up my ass

Then play Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy,

Why should you give a shit?!

I’m not asking you to watch my sexcapades on video,

For Christ sake.

Everyone’s gotta have someone to hate.


Maybe this faggy gay boy routine of mine

Is really just a ruse to pick up women.

If feel like Lily Tomlin in “The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe”.

One of her characters wears a T-shirt that says,

“Leave Me Alone”.


Hey, Mr. Bigot!!

Why did you bash my brother on the street?

I’m surprised you could tear yourself away from the football game on TV.

Hey, Mr. Bigot!

Maybe me and my friends in the Fruit Brigade

Are gonna hunt you down in a van, late at night.

Take you home and tie you spread-eagle to the bed

And cut off your limbs with a chain saw.


Oh, look what you made me say!!

I’d rather force you to do yoga

Or, God forbid,

Paint a picture of my naked body.

No, better not.

You might get excited and that would really blow your mind, baby.


I’m the kind of guy who swims with the dolphins

And watches Elizabeth Taylor movies on TCM.

You want to fuck her, Mr. Bigot, don’t you?

And I want to wear her priceless jewellery.


Hey, man.

Let me whisper in your ear.

“Just calm down and open your heart,”

I might be inclined to say.

I’m just trying to pay the bills.

Just looking for someone to love.

A man with feet of clay who won’t run screaming into the night

When I say, “I want to see you, again.”


Hey, Mr. Bigot!!

Get off my back and I promise not to climb on yours.

Get your hair streaked.

Bye a purple shirt.

Get some amethyst beads.

Take a meditation class.

Go beat off in a rosebush

But just fuck off and leave me alone.

Please!


I promise not to tell your wife when I see you on Church Street in drag.

I won’t tell anyone when I discover you in a dark car at midnight

Paying some teenage hustler to give you head.

Your wife doesn’t know that you go to bedbug motels

And pay hookers an extra $20 to give you a rim job.

Just lend me your red pumps.

No one needs to know but you and me.


Why was there cum on the bashed in head of the half-dead queer?

It seems, Mr. Bigot, that you really got off,

I mean REALLY GOT OFF,

When you cracked my friend with a baseball bat.


Hey, babe!!

I’d like to stick your head in my toilet bowl next time I use it.

Then you’ll know what it’s like to eat shit on a regular basis.

Forgive me.

Here’s a flower.

Let’s do lunch.

My Mute Playmates

Wednesday, February 11, 2009


MY MUTE PLAYMATES


By Philip Cairns


Copyright 2009 by Philip Cairns


I fell in love with a bedbug, once.

It’s tendril of anaesthetic sent me into a stupor of ecstasy and bliss.

I told him all my secrets and he didn’t hate or mistreat me.

I was grateful for that.


I French-kissed a cockroach one lonely Saturday night.

I couldn’t find any willing guy so I figured a cockroach would do,

Just as well.

At least I was getting some cock, or so it seemed, at the time.

His feelers tickled me and made me laugh.

It was only a quickie so there was no chit-chat.

In fact, he scurried away before I could catch his name.


My best friend was a June bug for numerous years.

I liked the fact that he listened to my impassioned rants

And never argued with me or raised a hand, as if to strike me.

Yet I had a twisted affair with Gorgeous George for many, many years

And he hurt me more than the sting of a friendly bee.

My bee friend meant no malice when he jabbed me with his sharp needle.

He was only fulfilling his destiny and running on instinct.


Gorgeous George would yell at me.

Tell me I was a piece of shit.

Torture me with his words and deeds and force me to snort coke.

This curly-haired muscle-bound prick would try to sabotage my career

In sly and insidious ways.

I was dazzled by his Playgirl façade and big, pouty lips.


I’d rather hop on the back of a grasshopper with not a care in the world.

Fly with the eagles, like I do in my dreams.

The bedbug would sleep quietly with me and bite me awake at dawn.

He would sit placidly on the table when I ate my breakfast.


George would be gone at 4 a.m.,

Leaving a whirlwind mess and anger and frustration in his wake.

The ladybug was polite to me.

I loved her sweet, caring smile.

No matter what I said, it never left her face.


She wasn’t like the fat Welfare worker who always called me a liar

When I told her the absolute honest-to-God truth.

My ladybug friend is so beautiful.

The shimmering colours of her attire always complement my clothes

When she triumphantly rides on my shoulder at social events,

Looking like a jewel-encrusted brooch.


Gorgeous George always has to call the shots or he explodes in venom and bile.

Who could have imagined that this rank puddle of vomit

Would be wrapped in such a voluptuous, appealing package?!


My critter playmates have all left me.

Disappeared into the night, like a vanishing circus act.

I’m stronger, now.

I no longer need them.

George has gone, as well.

But he’ll be back, if I allow it.


I miss the neon orange of the ladybug’s back.

Now, the bedbug bites with vengeance and revenge.

It’s sad, the way things turned out.

Stop Driving Like A Dumbass!!!

For those of you that have the luxury of taking transit, you can skip right over today's posting.

For the rest of us, here are my simple tips:

1) The indicator is for ME, not YOU!!! Putting your indicator on at the last minute does nobody any good. You indicate early with the FLASHING LIGHT, so that I know that you're about to cut me off and I can be prepared.

2) Turn your lights on in low visibility. Low visibility means fog, raining, darkness, snow, WHATEVER!! This time, it's for both you and me! Especially for me and on days like this and there's fog! I can't see 2 foot in front of me, but I will see your lights and this'll ensure that I don't slam my car right into you.

3) Don't tail gate...seriously...STAY THE FUCK AWAY!!! In nice weather, if I slam on my brakes, you will hit me and be at fault. In crappy weather, you will hit me, I will hit person in front of me and you will back up traffic for hours on end. So just back up, take a chill pill and give my car some space!

4) Please, please, please ignore shit on the side of the road. You're driving along in a huge traffic jam and you reach a point and there's a car on the side of the road, just sitting there, not damaged, just sitting there. You pass the car and traffic speeds up. Why? Cuz every dumb fuck has to slow down to look at a car. That's stupid, don't do that!

5) Merging is my final tip! Merging is very simple, if we all just follow the same practice. Drive to the end of the lane and merge into traffic. Now that's one side of it. The one already driving with traffic has to let one car in as they see it coming. Merging is complete and all are happy. The problem is that most drivers are DICKS!!! Either they merge too early or people don't let somebody in, then a fight ensues and it just backs up traffic.

So now if we'll all just follow these 5 simple tips, traffic congestion will cease to exist. *waves magic fairy wand*

Relationships - Am I ready?

So I have been single now for almost seven months, however I was still sleeping with my previous boyfriend.  We ended the "sleep" overs about three weeks ago and are trying our best to be friends.  That is all well and good and I really hope that I can be friends with him as he was a great guy and we get along well.  Who knows maybe we will become best friends down the road.  We do know each other quite well.  I am sure that will be a first.

So I am left wondering about someone new.  I met someone on Saturday night and we ended up spending the whole night and following day together and we really groove.  We have a lot in common and talked about all different types of topics and it was great.  Him and I didn't talk about us dating just being friends, but it is convenient as he lives in the same area as me.  What I am trying to decide is, how should I proceed?  I know I will be seeing him on Friday as we have both been invited to a surprise birthday party, but we have no plans just to meet up alone.  There are some conflicting messages going on in my head right now...lol.  One being am I ready as I just ended something with a long term boyfriend.  Another, I really like this guy but either way I would really like to be his friend.  So how do you have the conversation of dating without jeopardizing the friendship?  Then if he is interested, am I ready?  I feel in a lot of ways that I am, but I also feel that I have lots of personal exploration to do.  I haven't had a lot of time being on my own and part of me wants to enjoy that.  So I eagerly await your responses on how you think I should move forward.

Oh and a side note, he is a work associate of an ex I dated off and on for five years.  Have to tread lightly there.  I did ask him and he said he was cool with us.

Well I am eagerly awaiting what everyone thinks.

Popped Cherries

So since this is my first post, I thought it would be appropriate to title this with something suggestive, like the popping of cherries, because like always you will all find that I relate everything back to sex.

Dirty? No. I'm just honest.

And speaking of the popping of cherries, what better topic to write about than our own cherry poppings? Was it memorable? Was it horrible? Do you even remember? We should have a poll of some kind so once I figure out how to do that, I'll set it up. But until then, I feel that I should open myself up to you gentle readers and reveal to you all, my first time :) [But of course, I have to give you all some back story because if I were to just tell you all about my first time, it'd be over in three sentences and that does NOT make for a very good blog post.]


Ahem.

My first time was when I was 17. For me, high school was actually pretty decent, but thinking back I feel like as if maybe I had peaked (how depressing is THAT?!) because with the exception of Grade 11, every other year pretty much rocked. So in that horrible junior year of high school, I was gay and closeted (to a certain degree, primarily at home) and dealing with a whole lot of internal homophobia. I was angry, my marks dropped and that was when my teachers noticed "something was wrong." So during all of this inner turmoil, some guy from a neighbouring high school messaged me on meetmeinto.com (remember when that was relevant?) and started chatting with me. I added him to msn, and for a few days we just got to know one another. He went to Alex Mac, had a girlfriend, was Greek (hehe) and drove some sort of cool car that he got second hand and got to "fix up." Straight men love fixing up cars.

So one evening we spoke about hooking up, and hook up we did. I gave in because I was angry and horny. He picked me up, we drove to the back lot behind my old elementary school and on that cool October night(I think), in the back of his cool second hand car, was where I first touched another guys tenders. And put it in my mouth. And spit out the evidence. After it was over I knew for sure that I was totally gay, because throughout the entire experience I felt completely normal. We messed around a few more times after that, but stopped after a while. Apparently, having another boys tenders in his mouth didn't really sit well with him.

No cherries were popped, but I'll save that for another day, as well as my take on what constitutes as "sex" for queer people.

So how about you guys?
How was your first sexual experience?

I have a problem...

I have a problem and I say this lightly, because the following are real problems...

Read it. - I have never been tortured, even in a pleasurable way. I can't imagine thinking that I live in a civilized world and somebody slicing my fucking genitals for answers.

Read it. - I have serious issues with tasers. But I have more serious issues with stupidity! You order someone to lie down or be tased? They lie down and you don't jump in the way to save a kid from being run over by a car?

Read it. - 20, 000 people are out of work. Now that's a problem! 20, 000 who may be supporting whole families, so this could impact upwards of 100,000. Let's not forget that now that this person can't buy goods/services, the impact increases substantially.

Read it - I've only seen fire in a scary sense once in my life. It was down the road and a house was on fire. My Dad took pictures of the scene and of the sky. I can't imagine fire so strong that it can kill more than a hundred people.

Now that world is a bit more in perspective, what's my problem?

I'm crushing on 4 different people and don't know what to do? Any suggestions?

"Taken" is awesome!!!

On Friday, I wanted to see 'Taken' and was denied probably about 2-3 times. Instead I was invited to see some 'He Not Into You film about relationships and supposedly funny in a romantic comedy kinda not funny type film.

Disappointed and rejected, I pulled myself up and out of my deepening depression and watched, 'Taken.' You see, the film was released a few months ago into theatres in international territories. When this happens, it means there's a good chance that one can find it on Pirate Bay. And I did, 2.5 hours later, and I'm watching a picture perfect version of what turns out to be a damn fine movie.

The premise is simple. Liam Neeson is a former government employee who was trained in 'preventing bad things from happening.' He's now retired, so he can focus on building a relationship with his teenage daughter. Teenage daughter goes with her best friend to Paris, get kidnapped by Albanian human traffickers and the chase is on. From there, it's just non-stop action as Liam flies to Paris and has to figure out a way to track down his daughter. Is he successful? You'll have to watch and see!

The action is very Bourne-like in its realism, sure it can be a bit far fetched, but essentially, it's just hand-hand combat. There's no stupid fancy special effects in this one. Just car chases, punches, and a lot of arm breakings. For those thinking that Liam Neeson can't be bad ass, well think again mofos. This is the guy who was in Batman Begins as the villain and he was incredibly bad ass in that one.

In conclusion, the rest of you went out and paid $12 to watch a movie with a buncha girls with their bored hetero bfs. I got to pay nothing and wear whatever I pleased, in the privacy of my home. From what I've heard, my movie was much much better!

Go watch, rent or illegally d/l Taken NOW!!!

Friday Confession: I'm an ageist!

It's Friday, so let's continue with my line of confessing my 'sins.' This week, I'm coming out with it. I'm one huge muthafucking ageist!!!

Don't tell my grandma, but seriously, if we rid ourselves of all the old people sapping up the health care dollars and not being productive. Well, we could possibly avoid this recession. :)

Just think - we invite them all to punch & pie in the middle of a field and then just unleash the uzis. Problem solved. But enough about old people, let's talk about relationships.

This story really irritates me about Paul Walker. Please join me in a collective, 'EWWWW!' If you were too lazy to read the link, here's the dealio. Paul Walker of Fast and the Furious and naked bum in Varsity Blues fame is now engaged to his 19 year old girlfriend. They've been dating for 3 years. She was 16, he was 32. That is gross in my books!

I won't even go for the easy conservative question of 'where the fuck are the parents in this whole thing?' Cuz I know exactly where! They are collecting their 'don't you say shit about me' money that Paul has passed onto them.

Here's my rules when it comes to dating. Date max. 4 years older or maybe max. 2 years younger. That's always been the rule. When I was 19, I dated 23. When I was 22, I dated 25. When I was 23, I dated a month younger. This is what works for me and should therefore work for society. :P

You can go on and on and on about how people just connect, but while this girl is going through puberty this guy had gone from semi celebrity to now only being reported on, cuz he's a serious creep-o. Can you imagine losing your virginity to some 30 year old? Bringing him to the prom and people asking who the chaperone is? It's just wrong-ness all around!

Now is your turn to either support my ageism or let me know, why you support such stupidity. :)

I thought it was an original idea...

As you may or may not have read, I ventured back into the profile sites realm and then proceeded to gripe about them.
I said that I'd take them down by Wednesday and they are now gone. So now what does one do with all the contacts?

Msn daily, go on dates, block those that turn out kind of annoying? Nope! Here's my original idea that isn't.

I thought it'd be fun to take all 6-8 guys and invite them over to my loverly place. Everyone can just mix and mingle, we can chat it up, they can try to catch my attention and such.

Then, I realized that I had just created 'The Bachelor' for myself. Which is really lame, cuz I think that show is super lame. Plus I realized that with my luck, the guys would connect better with one another and then frolic off into my 3 bedrooms and get it on. This leaves me in the kitchen, huddled in the corner, and crying my eyes out. You know, if I ever cried.

I guess this leaves me with only other route...dating. Dating can be fun and can possibly be not. My first date after 2.5 years of LTR was tres awkward back in August. Having to wrap one's mind around the idea of getting to know somebody and in a non-friend way was a bit much for me. I had another last nite, I think I did semi okay.

So no Bachelor type reality show for you all, but perhaps, this blog may turn into a 'Help Jay navigate back into the dating realm.' Shitty part is that I'm sure most of the potential guys are aware of this blog, so let's wait and see what their reaction is.

Pet Peeves with the Profiles!

Yesterday, I spoke about my latest experience in the profile realm. After the online show that I co-host, Say Something!, I chatted with a good friend, Ryan G. Hinds. From that conversation comes my top 10 pet peeves about profile sites. Enjoy!




1) People with 'cute', 'hottie', 'sexy' or any of the like in their nicknames. I will pass judgment on whether you receive those labels, you should not self identify.

2) Pictures w/ animals, esp. dogs. Many of us live in the city, in apartments, people shouldn't have dogs in apartments. The dog can't run freely around and if your dog barks all day, while you're at work...it's disruptive to the neighbours.

3) Pictures w/ friends. Am I the only one that is usually more attracted to a person's friends than the actual person I should be looking at?

4) Multiple pictures with a thousand different looks. I want to know what you look like now. Not when you were at your skinniest, or when you dyed your hair orange.

5) Long ass profile bios...keep it concise and short. Tell me if you have a job, go to school, and a few things that you enjoy about life.

6) No picture whatsoever. I'm sorry, but I stopped having invisible sex years ago.

7) Shirtless shots with the tummy tuck. If you're going to post a shirtless shot, then show me what you look like shirtless. I don't like people who suck their tummy in. Show me the goods!! If we get together, I'm going to see if eventually.

8) Don't post nudes. There's something terribly boring about seeing it all. I like to be a little surprised. While at some point, I'll probably ask for measurements, it doesn't mean that I want to see exactly what it looks like.

9) No more poses, seriously let's stop posing. The chin tilt down, the hand in the air, the death stare into the camera...fuck it all.

10) Once we've connected, swapped msns, let's not spend the next few weeks chatting like crazy. Bust down that internet door, get into the real world, and let's see if we gel.

What are your profile pet peeves?

The Profile Site Saga (okay well, not so much a saga...)

I think it was last Monday, when I took the plunge into the personal profile realm again. A week later, I'm done.

I don't know how people stay on these things for weeks, months and even years. Maybe it's odd timing, but I'm pretty sure the people that were on these sites many a years ago - still are.

I took a different route this time around. Back in July, I was freshly out of a long term relationship and knew exactly what I wanted. I did a real lengthy-ish paragraph of precisely who this person was and wasn't going to accept any substitutes.

I went on a few dates, landed a pretty solid guy and made another really good friend out of the process. Unfortunately, 3 months in, I neglected my studies for the guy and then told the guy it had to end, so I could focus back on the studies. I'm not going to live with myself, if I let myself get 60s, so I can spend time with a dude. Tangent: After ending the relationship, I did pull myself up into the 80s for all 4 of my classes. GOOOOOOOO ME!

After ending that one, I told myself that I would wait until April. No longer did I want to hurt somebody, when I'm obviously too busy to focus on the time/effort that a relationship needs.

All of a sudden it's the end of January, I have 4 days off in a week (due to working 8, then 6 days in a row). I miss the feel and excitement of exploring a new relationship, meeting new people, and I dive into profile site land again.

Me in profile site land is kinda sad and scary though. I literally check the profile WAY too many times and I can, cuz I'm off and do all my schooling via the internet. I hit refresh after I send a message to await the msg that must be returned. I get excited when it says 'new message' and quickly check. I really enjoy the feature of 'viewed me' on one particularly site, cuz it's fun to see who's taken the time to click on your face.

A week later, I'm over it. The initial excitement has lost its lustre. I kinda took the passive route this time. Last time, I was a messaging whore. If I was into you, I wrote you, let you know, and then went from there. This time, I believe I said 'make the first move, I'll go from there.' I was slightly passive aggressive as I'd favourite some people who I was really into. ;)

Not sure if I'm just bored of the profile sites or just really happy with the few people that I've connected with. I could probably say that each one could be a potential mate or hopefully at least a friend. I don't understand why some people can't transfer feelings of 'please be mine' to 'okay, I can settle for a friend.' Would you rather have no contact or at least still have that person in your life? In most cases, a friendship will give you WAY more happy than a relationship ever will.

For now, the profile will stay up, cuz I think it deletes all your messages and it'd be mean, if some people don't get my replies to their messages. Let's say...Wednesday is take down day!