Single Asians

Earlier, my friend posted this video on facbeook. A lot of people find it funny, including me, because some of the claims theses girls make are just hilarious and it's a fun piece of work. Yet it's obvious that there are a lot of problems with the stereotypes portrayed in the video, partly because of certain "exotic" fetishes and partly because a large majority give in to these colonial-patriarchal ideas.

All in all, its funny and I thought I'd share with you all the stories of my people.

Love your body, then torture it!

Last week, I gave you the chance to express your love for the different parts of your body. 18 of you indulged in the ego trip and I thank you for that!

44% of you really really like your hands. I have to ask 'huh?' - what is about your hands? I must not have very nice hands, cuz nobody's ever really focused on them. My bro laughs at my skinny fingers, but that's about it. I once knew a girl who had dwarf hands, her pinky was the size of my 2nd toe. Though, I do have finger toes...those creep people out.

Speaking of feet, only one person really likes their feet for 5% of the vote. Which is understandable, I know so many people who hate their feet. I don't really have a problem with feet. I hate socks, so I say let your freak feet fly.

The 2nd highest total in vanity land was the face, 33% of you think your whole face is your best feature. Which I think is important, if you don't like your face...then it's hard to get through the day. Unless your partial to scarves or hoodies to try and hide it. Or just good at make-up. Haha...I've recently discovered that boys are using foundation to hide their blemishes...oh silly boys and their drive towards perfection.

11% of you were into your nose, lips, legs, ass, genitalia, and arms. I like a little nose, like a cute little button. I don't notice lips all that much, unless a girl is wearing a really strong colour. Legs, I can definitely appreciate. Chicken legs are cute and fun to laugh at...but a little meat is nice. Ass, work that ass...yah, I can def. appreciate the ass. Genitalia is always an interesting one. Cuz like you don't see what someone looks like unless they post a pic or you get naked with them. So it's always one of those mysteries and even then...if it's dark...you may not see it so well. Nice biceps are key and triceps that don't flap in the wind. :)

Our other 2nd top total with 33% are the eyes. Ppl really notice my eyes, I don't notice others' eyes. Well I notice them, if I can't see them. Cuz I'm all about the eyes being a window into the soul.

Alritey now that we've loved our bodies, how do you torture yours?? By torture, I mean what fast food junk do you allow into it? Why do I ask? Yesterday, I went to visit my grandma and pre-hospital trip, I had Wendy's (chicken go wrap with fries and iced tea) and then post-trip, I had swiss chalet (quarter chicken white w/ salad and iced tea). By the time, I got home my face felt like all the oil wanted to just burst out of it. Soooooooo in the last month, where have you dined in the effort to destroy your body? :)

Vote on the poll on the right!!!

Am I suppose to twit now?

I'm always behind the times with all these IM/profiles/social networking type things. I was IRC-ing, when it was time to hit gay.com. I was on ICQ, when people had switched over to MSN. Now I'm facebooking, when I'm supposed to be twittering. Honestly, I just don't understand any of it.

Back when I was IRC-ing, it was an outlet to talk to other queers and find ppl to cam with...oh them were the days. Gay.com was never as exciting as everybody wanted a picture and I'd just rather not be judged on my looks. Fall for my wit and then you can see if I look like a git. :P

I would say 2 years ago, I was finally convinced to get on myspace. It was the thing to do, EVERYBODY was doing it. It was super super cool. For artistic reasons (i.e. expand the fanbase and promote stuff), I joined up, I got a few myspace friends and then the whole thing died out. It was when facebook was becoming super popular and everybody switched onto that.

Facebook was soooo cool, you could find all your friends that you long had lost touch with. Which I never understand, if I lost touch with you...it's cuz I don't like you. Otherwise, I'd track your ass down. You can have network of friends and add their friends and invite people to events and blah blah. I didn't get this one either. Yet again for artistic purposes, I signed up and now have over 100 'friends.'

Now comes along this twitter, which from what I understand is simply telling people what you're up to. So I take a shit, I twit that and then everybody knows. I fuck, I twit that and then everybody knows. I decide to twit, so I twit that and everybody knows. :) I just don't understand it. I don't want to know anybody's every move of the day. If something exciting is in their life, they can let me know.

For now, I'm sticking with my trusty msn...it's ol' school, but I like it.

Here's a quickie...

I got a little teary eyed watching this trailer. I can't wait till this comes out.

Who else misses their childhood? (is that a loaded question?)

Get that dick off my roof!!!

I was and always am a good little lad, so I can't imagine drawing a GIANT DICK on my parent's house. Let alone drawing a giant dick on my parents' MILLION dollar home.

Though I think I would've drawn something a bit more impressive. Look at those testicles, they're so tiny, thou well shaved. I'm guessing this one's cut, though there's a big slit down the top of the head and that can't be comfortable whatsoever.


Growing up, I was always the timid middle child that never got into much trouble. I beat my lil' bro good, mouthed off a lot, but that was about it. I don't recall vandalizing anything, beside my school binders/agenda (I loved to doodle). I was bound to violent outbursts when I got in trouble, but that involved stomping up the stairs, slamming the door and then destroying my room. Which was stupid, cuz then I'd have to clean it all up.

What's the worst thing that you ever did to your parents as a kid (you know, besides being born)?

Tuesday Taco Nights!!!

I was at the grocery store this afternoon, when I walked down the snacks aisle and saw what's been missing from my new apartment these last few months - a taco kit. I have a long history with taco kits dating back to when I first moved away from home seven years ago. My gal pal and I lived in a house, she had the basement and I had the main floor, it was rockin' good times. :P

Often, we'd celebrate Tuesdays with Taco Nights. It was quite the event. One would buy the kit, the other the meat. One would bring the cheese, the other the green pepper. Oh and of course, there was beer! Depending on which floor we were on, that person was in charge of grilling the beef and the other for prepping all the ingredients.

The challenge was that between the 2 of us, we would have to finish the whole kit and usually at least a big bottle of wine or like 5 beers a piece.

Taco Night wasn't complete without a jump onto the dance floor (aka kitchen floor), watching some t.v., and then usually passing out from being boozed out around 9pm.

I've continued the taco night tradition with future partners/roomies and it's always a good time. Though, I haven't had one in such a long time...so that's your cue to indulge in one with me. :)

What are some 'themed' nights that you enjoy having?

Is that a stain? No, it's a signature Crawford mole!

As evident by my jeans, t-shirt, and hoodie combo that I've been sporting for over 10 years, I don't follow fashion. Yet, I used to pay some attention to fashion models. I'm pretty sure that Cindy Crawford's been away from the spotlight for some time.

While watching tv, I came across a commercial of her whoring out for The Brick. Only to discover that she's whoring out her own signature furniture line...at The Brick. Don't believe me? Check out this link for a video to the shiteous commercial that they've made.

Yep, you can now bring Cindy Crawford home, except it's not blow up or in cut out form. You can lie down on her, curl up with her, sit on her, but that's about it. I'm all for celebrity gimmicks, but really? When I think upholestery, I don't think about models. It's like if Martha Stewart started designing personality pills, I'll pick up some towels from her...but would you really want to act like her?

I guess if Jessica Simpson can design edible body frosting to lick off your partner, then Cindy should be allowed to pretend like she can craft together a love seat.

My only concern is how do I explain her need to mark each product with her signature mole to friends?

You: Oh what a lovely party, it's a shame somebody went and stained your brand new couch.
Me: Stain? What the fuck?
You: Well you know, that nasty brown smudge on the side.
Me: Oh you, that's a signature Crawford mole!
You: The bitch makes furniture?
Me: And it's exclusively available at The Brick and the brick.com *winks*

"It's not a comeback, it's a return"

Let me speak up for those of us who are not impressed by zero-ability pop stars.

This past week, we have been driven crazy by respected journalists, friends, and bloggers everywhere screeching at the top of their lungs "BRITNEY IS BACK!!!!!" Have you all lost your mind? She toured in 2007, 2004, 2002, 2001, 2000 and 1999 and had singles in 2006, 2007, and 2008.

She is not BACK. She hasn't been anywhere and she doesn't have anything in terms of ability to be back with.

Tina Turner taking some time off to re-learn the music industry in order to build a solo career after leaving an abusive husband equals TINA IS BACK! Robyn being a 90's one hit wonder and climbing back to international prominence in 2008 = ROBYN IS BACK! Streisand doing her first tour in 27 years = BARBRA IS BACK. Chita Rivera in a car accident and learning how to walk again and then returning to the stage as a dancer doing cartwheels and splits = CHITA IS BACK!


It's truly sad to see someone who by even the most rapturous accounts doesn't dance full out, is carried and moved around the stage, is not singing live, utilizes video and costume changes to lessen their stage time, and does not otherwise engage the audience be praised for being "back". Not to take away from the good time anyone had, but perhaps credit the tour's director? our collective vulture-like hope of watching an onstage melt-down? the pretty colored lights? This concert tour has nothing to do with Britney. Britney herself isn't any better or worse then she was last year or the year before or 5 years ago or 10 years ago. Rewarding or praising someone for literally not doing ANYTHING reduces our critical abilities and contributes to the egocentricity of this ME Generation. If she did a 360 and suddenly became a strong singer, impressive dancer, and charming performer, I'd be the first to say good for her......but it still wouldn't mean she is back.

Get Naked And Admire Your Body!!!

Oh how I love these weekly polls, I get to learn more and more about our darling audiences. Each week, we are progressively getting more and more of you to vote and that my friends is a good thing. :)

There were 20 votes cast this week for our poll for 'on average, how many dates until you get naked?' As I suspected, we have a pretty adventurous crowd as 75% of you only take 3 dates or less and then it's time to show off the titties and ding-a-lings.

10% of you are more in favour of the random hook ups, be it the profile sites or bar or maybe it's just that you have a casual friend that you enjoy naked times with. Now another 10% of you make the person wait between 1-3 months to see you naked, which I just can't understand. While I'm all in favour of getting to know somebody before dominating them in the bedroom, I could never wait that long. Or if I do wait that long with you it means two things: 1) I'm not into you and 2) I'm getting it somewhere else.

Moving along with the theme of being naked...this week's poll is about loving yourself physically. When you look at your body, what is one part of it that you like...even just a bit. None of this 'I hate my body' kinda stuff. If that's you, imagine somebody has your most prized possession in their grips and they can destroy it, if you don't answer the question. So there...you gotta answer! You can even choose more than one, if you want. No need to be shy, it's time to stand up and shout it out to the world (or simply click your answer for our purposes), I FUCKING LOVE MY _____!

Welcome to the Dollhouse

"Forget morality. Imagine it's true. Imagine this technology being used. Now imagine it being used, on you. Everything you believe, gone. Everyone you love, strangers. Maybe enemies. Every part of you that makes you more than a walking cluster of neurons, dissolved at someone elses whim. If that technology exists, it'll be used. It'll be abused. It'll be global! And we will be over. As a species, we will cease to matter. I don't know. Maybe we should?"


***

It has been a long time since I've last followed a TV series religiously. Every since "ANGEL" ended on the now defunct WB, I've given up on television with the exception of my new addiction to TVDVD's. But five years later, I've returned to the tube because Joss Whedon's "Dollhouse" has finally hit the airwaves.

For those of you who haven't heard, "Dollhouse" is Joss Whedon's (creator of "Buffy", "ANGEL" and "Firefly") latest television prodigy. The premise of the series is this: A secret organization, the Dollhouse, houses a numerous amount of 'Actives,' people who have had their personalities wiped clean, leaving them in a tabula-rasa'd like state. Clients then come to the Dollhouse and for a large amount of money, an active is imprinted with all of the desired traits and abilities that the client wants. They are then able to walk away with the perfect thief, the perfect assassin, or the perfect lover.

The show focuses primarily on Echo (Eliza Dushku), an active who starts becoming more self aware after every engagement, and Paul Ballard, the FBI cop who is hell-bent on uncovering the legend of the Dollhouse. Rounding up the ensemble is Adele Dewitt (Olivia Williams), the lead official who will do anything and everything to protect the Dollhouse, and two other actives, Sierra (Dichen Lachman) and Victor (Enver Gjovak) who are drawn to Echo.

After tonight's episode, I'm officially in for the long haul. Ever since this project began, FOX, who tapped Whedon to develop a new series for their network, has been interfering with the creative process of the series. Having penned an apparently mind-blowing pilot episode, FOX ordered him to re-write it in an effort to dumb it down in order to make the show more accessible to viewers. However, their efforts failed as the ratings have been bubbling below FOX's standards, which puts the series in cancellation jeopardy (which is what happened to Firefly, another one of Whedon's genius creations).

And now after tonight's sixth episode, Whedon believes that the series is gearing back towrds his original vision. He can tell the stories that he wants to tell and "Dollhouse" is finally ready to show how much it kicks ass. So if you guys have the chance, check it out every Friday night on FOX, at 9 pm.

***


"If you could have somebody be the perfect person, the moment you wish for, that you know you're never going to get.... and someone, signed on to do that, to help you. I think, that could be okay. I think that could be...maybe, beautiful."

I saw Britney too, Bitches!

Yes, I saw Britney too.

And that girl upper-body danced her boobs off! She didn't seem to like using her legs, though. Like, at all. Lazy bitch.

Okay, okay. As a gay man, I think I'm actually contractually obligated to defend the tragic mess that is Britters till the day I die, but as fantastically splendid as her show was, there are a few things I have to complain and bitch about, and I'll try not to go over what Jay has already said in his post. (Sorry Jay, but Britney's a hot topic.)

And where better to bitch and complain about all things Britney, then at "Let's Be Vain!!!"?

So. Britney's Circus tour starts off with a nice big bang for your overpriced buck. Perez Hilton as the scary, creepy, circus host was just awesome. He was so much fun to watch, and with the circus music in the background, everything just felt really epic. Like Jay said, she opened with "Circus," and the spectacle was loaded. People flying on rings in the air, dancer jumping here and high-kickin' it there, the steam, the fog, the energy (All except for Britney. She was totally like "Dammit, I just want to get this over with and finish ma cheezeburger y'all!").

She then moves into some other fan faves from her last two albums, and I could not help but think "I want the PCD back for a bit..." because those girls can dance and sing, at the same time.

Also, Britney is apparently too good to walk because she had her ass carried by cage, rolling rack, man, woman, tricycle and every other movable set piece that the designers could think of cause I don't think she once walked from one end of the stage to the other. She walked in circles around the center, but that's about it. She was really good at walking around in circles.



"Hey Toronto! How you feelin' tonight?"
"Come on, you can do better, I said how you feelin'!"

And that was the extent of her audience interaction/use of her actual voice. There's this one point where she is counting, and I swear even that was pre-recorded.



But god damn, I love her. I love Britney. I love the star that she was and the mess that she is. I loved her little SM stunt in the show, and how she flew and dangled in the air with the two guys in leather SM gear. It was pretty hot.

And speaking of hot, I want to have hot sweaty sex with the male dancers on stage. They are all so beautiful.

I saw Britney, bitches!

Mmmhmm...that'd be right! I saw Britney, bitches! But not only that, I saw PCD (Pussy Cat Dolls, for you non-mainstream music-ers).

I almost missed my PCD as they were freakin on at 8:05pm. What concert actually starts close to on time? Janet put LL Cool J on around 8:30 or so, but we didn't get her for a long time after.

Anyways, I aimed to be there for 7:50ish, I walk down Bay towards ACC and there's a line all the way out the door. Me being me, I decided to bypass the line (I LOATHE LINES) and walk into the building to find even more lines/crowds. Some gal was squawking on a mic that PCD would be on within 10 minutes and to try another gate to get in.

Everyone's standing there like lemmings, so I booted to another gate and got right in. My seats were great. Last row of 100 level, but section 121, so just off of centre stage. No one tall in front of me and I could see everything perfectly.

PCD comes on at 8:05 and does a 40 minute set of all their hits. Don't Cha into Beep! into Buttons into I Hate This Part into I Don't Need A Man into Stickwitu into Whatchathinkaboutthat into Jai Ho into When I Grow Up (I've probably mixed up the order). The most confusing thing is the 'Baby' Doll looks a lot like Nicole, so I kept following the wrong person. Plus, I don't get why the 2 dancers (redhead and girl who can kick) have a mic, they rarely seemed to sing into it. Either way, they did all their hit songs and no fillers, so I liked, liked, liked.

They leave at 8:45, then we get a Circus show of different side show acts. Pretty damn cool. Miss Spears arrives at 9:05 or 9:20 and delivers with a great opening. She did 'Circus' and has about 15 back up dancers mixed with 4 acrobats and various circus side show. There's a cool video accompaniment too (something featured throughout the show). Too many songs for me to list them, but mostly all off of the last 3 albums with 'Hit Me Baby, One More Time' thrown in near the end.

The cool thing is that Britney is back! Her last few vids have shown some glimmer of her, but nothing like we saw on stage. She was confident, she was dancing, and she seemed to be having fun. There's so much going on that it distracts from anything that she may not be doing so well. :P Highlights were: Radar, Toxic, Womanizer, Piece of Me, and Do Something (mostly cuz they're just my favourite songs).

Does Britney sing?? Fuck no! I don't think she was even singing Everytime. But every tween gal was singing along. I guess they really relate to that song.

Only disappointment was the number of set and costume changes. It's fine after 3 or 4 songs, but at one point, it seems like it's after every song and that just messes with the flow. I like to dance all night, not get up, dance, sit down, wait, get up, dance, sit down, wait. Ohh..I think there's a song in there somewhere. :P

Simply put, the show was $150 (much much cheaper that Madonna & Janet) and you got 2 great acts for the night. Was it worth? Hell's yah!

Is Mickey Rourke Hot?

I saw 'The Wrestler' on Saturday night and I really enjoyed it. It's a very simple story and everything kinda falls into place as you would expect. It's shot like a documentary, which some people probably won't like. It has some cool wrestling scenes, where you discover that it's all fake, but actually not always. Seeing glass in people's back and barbed wire...not so much fun.

The best part is certainly Mickey Rourke. The whole time this wrestler is in pain and you can't help but wonder, if Mickey's in the same amount of pain. Which is kinda what made the film interesting to me. Is he acting or not?

On a side note and it explains the title of this posting...is Mickey Rourke hot or not? My boss and I were talking about the movie and she's all 'Mmmmm...he was soo hot in 9 1/2 weeks' and I'm like 'Oh...never saw it!' and she goes 'Yah, everybody wanted him after that, then he became a boxer, fucked his face up, and now he's ugly.'

But I guess that if he was ever cute (and I don't think he was), he'd never be able to pull off a role like he does in 'The Wrestler.' So it's kinda like it was meant to be. I think he was definitely robbed of the Oscar as Sean Penn wasn't anything special. He played gay, but whatever...he already got an Oscar a few years ago. Why not throw Mickey a freakin bone and acknowledge his great work.

Two things...1) watch the movie, it's good and 2) is/was Mickey Rourke ever hot in your eyes?

Watch Say Something! TONIGHT!

At the end of June last year, I had a thought, 'what if a bunch of queers came together each week to talk?' and it turned into Say Something! We started off every Sunday back in July and now we run bi-weekly. We are on tonight and I urge everybody to please tune in! Why?

1) You get to hear me rather than read me. :) Hearing is much easier. You can be doing homework, dancing around and just listen to the show. Pretend, like it's on the radio.

2) You get to see me and my excellent co-hosts. Who are they?? Ryan G. Hinds and Luka!! Both opinionated, talented, and always put on a good show.

3) It's really just three friends hanging out! Unlike 'The View' where they all hate each other, here we actually like one another. Do we disagree with each other? YES! Do we make fun of each other? YES! Do we have a great time? Hell yes!!

4) You get to be a part of the show! There's a chat room, so you go to www.blogtv.com/people/ajaystewartproject and you get to influence the show. You can share your thoughts about the topics, suggest your own, or just say 'shoe on head!' (long story...).

5) Meet new people, feel a part of a group, and then come back for more!

There's my top 5 list! We're on tonight at 10pm EST, I strongly encourage you to watch. We talk about pop culture, regular issues, current events, music, it's all over the place!

Say Something! at 10 pm EST
watch. chat. LIVE!

Brandon Lee, Porn Star

Thursday, March 12, 2009


BRANDON LEE, PORN STAR


By Philip Cairns


Copyright 2009 by Philip Cairns

The luscious gay Asian porn star got into his car
After finishing his stage show in the city of Scottsdale, Arizona.
He took his stage name from Brandon Lee, the deceased Action star that died in a freak accident on a movie set.
Smooth-skinned muscles, taut 6 pack abs, full kissable lips and a sweet baby face.
The play, titled “Take Me Out”, was one of those soft core shows with a provocative title
And acres of male flesh
That appealed to well-off, middle aged gay couples.

In the dressing room, Brandon said goodnight to the cast
Then exited the stage door.
Several of the actors had an enormous crush on him.
There was usually a small crowd of male fans waiting outside for an autograph.
He drove by himself to a nearby roadside diner for a bite before going home to his budget motel.
He just felt like being alone with his thoughts.
It had been a long day.
Brandon was usually so high on adrenalin, after all that applause and adulation,
That he had trouble falling asleep until 3 or 4 a.m.
He liked to sleep late then work out in the tiny gym beside the motel’s office.

Into the blue Toyota Tacoma, the one that porn appearances paid for,
To drive home.
Then everything fell apart.
Time accelerated.
The brown pickup truck followed him out of the parking lot onto the highway.
At first, Brandon wasn’t even aware of it
But it kept crowding him on the deserted freeway
Until his car, his pride and joy, ended up in the ditch.
4 guys got out of the truck, surrounded his car,
Dragged him into the bushes and beat the crap out of him.

Fist into flesh. Brawn into bone.
Blue bruises, snot and blood running down a chin.
Swollen cheekbones, half-closed puffy eyes.
Intense, blinding pain.
Homophobia, racism, irrational anger.
Macho bullshit.
The thugs then set his car on fire and sped away.
Screeching tires and jeering laughter.
The ignorance of tiny brains and small minds.

Brandon awoke on a paramedic’s gurney.
His beauty was not irreparably damaged.
Were the yahoos offended by the gay content of the Nearly Naked Theatre’s production?
What goes through the minds of such people?
One thinks of the end of the classic biker film, “Easy Rider”,
When the two hippies are shot and killed by the small town bigots.

The Asian man’s attackers were never found.
I see pictures, now, of Brandon smiling,
Showing off his latest dessert creations on the Net.
(Brandon retired from porn and became a pastry chef.
Ya gotta eat and you can’t do porn forever, especially gay porn.
There are a lot of ugly straight male porn stars but, in gay porn,
You’ve gotta be buff and pretty, generally speaking.)

Brandon Lee (real name Jon) started out in porn at the age of 18
Looking sweet and innocent.
Now, he’s 30 with tattoos all over which gives him a tough appearance.
I want to cry when I see his picture,
Thinking about such a brutal attack.
The perpetrators were never found.
There were no broken bones or internal injuries
And Brandon was released from hospital the next morning.

Did this attack colour his perceptions of the world?
Does he still think about it?
I want to cradle him to my chest and soothe him to sleep,
Like an over-protective mother.
But we’ve never met.
We don’t even live in the same country.

Flesh touches soft flesh.
A wet tongue flicks against a hard nipple.
Hands caress a taut belly.
Strong emotions flood out into the atmosphere.
Two souls unite in an act of intense love and lust.
Pink skin rubs frenetically against yellow.
A caring hand moves slowly across a smooth cheek.
Love breaks down prejudices and barriers.
Fantasies smooth over and unruffle the bleakness of reality.

Yep, it's another sex poll of the week!!!

I'm learning more and more about our audience each week and let me tell you - you're all pretty damn sexy!!! But not nearly kinky enough!

Last week, we asked what goes in your pussy/ass and not a single one of you chose to 'fist it up!' - FOR SHAME! Haha..like I'm one to talk. ;)

What'd you all really like?? A BIG FAT TONGUE! Which I think everybody enjoys...a good lapping is not something to turn away. To the 64% of you who enjoy that, just remember to clean your areas and then clean them again. One time scrubs away the filth, the second time actually makes it smell clean. :)

52% of you just want some dick and you want it hard! Whatever happened to good ol' love making??? Why does everybody want it hard and be called a bitch? Or is that just my experience? :P

35% wants 2 fingers and 29% want just one, I guess I should've asked who wants more than just one thing? We've got tongues, dicks, and fingers...everybody likes a combo.

A low 23% like sex toys, but that doesn't answer how many have experimented with them. Finally only 11% like 4 fingers and 11% want you to stay the fuck away from their ass all together. Those people can step as far way from me as possible.

Alritey, this week is short and simple, how many dates until you enjoy naked times with somebody? Do it on average! So if sometimes, it's 'hey, what's your name? ok, let's fuck' or other times 'So we've dated now for six years, it's time for me to see you naked' - then pick a place in between.

Vote now and vote often and tell your friends to vote too!! This is by far my fav. new feature of this site. :)

Frustration with downtowners

Hey All,

So I am not usually one to bitch, but let me tell you, I had some pretty annoying things happen to me today and I am coming up with a top ten list of why I hate working downtown.  I realize everyone is in a hurry and has to get somewhere but seriously, you don't have to be such idiots.  I try to be aware of my surroundings when I am downtown and try to keep out of people's way but it is amazing how many people are oblivious to the world around them.  So here it goes.

10) The last thing I want to hear at 7:30 in the morning is techno beats coming from some girl who is probably still high and going to work.  Just because you are wearing earphones does not mean others can't hear what you are listening to.  Be nice and turn it down a notch.

9) Just because you are overweight does not mean I will give you a seat.  Don't stand there and scream to everyone on the streetcar that you need a seat because you can't stand.  Sitting in a seat all day is what got you fat in the first place.

8) Pedestrians have the right of way on a red.  Don't think because you are in a car you can come speeding down the road and make a right turn and pedestrians will stop.  You can get somewhere a lot faster then a person walking so let them cross the street.

7) If you see someone running towards an elevator, hold the door open, don't just do the signal of pretending to hold the open door when you are actually pushing close and then give a sad smile when the door closes in my face.

6) When walking in the underground, it should really be like driving.  People walking one way get one side while people walking the other way, well get the other side.  Just because you are walking with a large group does not mean you get to take up the whole hall and can just push people back.  

5) I realize that everyone walks at their own pace, but if you are going to walk a meter per hour, stay to the far corner so people can pass.  Nothing bothers me more then be stuck behind someone walking in zig zags slower then a snail.

4) Just because you have a friend waiting in line to buy food at a store, does not mean you and five others can bud in line.  I have no problem letting one in and that is a stretch.  I only get an hour for lunch and I don't need people stealing my lunch away because they can't wait their turn.

3) When you are sitting by yourself, find a table for two, not for six.  Don't throw your stuff all over the place and then tell me you are waiting for friends, when after twenty minutes I still see you sitting there reading a book all by yourself.  There is only so much sitting room and it is polite to share.

2) When you are on a streetcar, and you have to pass someone in elbow to elbow traffic please say excuse me when you need to pass, don't just shove.  One, I end up spilling my drink and two I almost trip or am pushed on those sitting in front of me or spill the drink I am holding on them and then am left embarrased and apologetic.

1) This is what annoys me most about working downtown.  When on an elevator there are two sides, one to walk and the other to stand.  Don't stand side by side and ride the elevator when there is a whole crowd waiting for you to pass by.  If you are going to stand, go up one stair and turn to talk to your friend.  You don't need to face them side by side.

So any other experiences from being or working downtown that piss you off?  Please share.  

Have I told you about Kiva???

Oh Kiva is a bit of a ho. She wants your $ and she needs it now. She has many mouths to feed and she's not afraid to come back and ask for more. There's a chance you'll see your money again, but that's a chance that you take. Ok, end of trying to write something all hip and cool. :P

Check out Kiva.org to find out all about it. I've been on for a year and at first was very skeptical. But I'm happy to report that it's true, you lend money and then it comes back to you. Seriously!!! No donating, just lending. It's called microfinancing and as I understand, it's a little bit of genius.

Why just throw your cash away, when you can lend it, then re-lend, and lend some more? You lend in $25 increments and I've put in $125 and it's all come back. I've then lent it out again or used it to give gift certificates for other friends to test it out. Or if you need the funds back, you just withdraw the money and go on your merry way.

The cool thing is that there's such a variety on there that you can fund pretty much anything. I tend to choose guys close to my age who wants funds for stuff that I'd never do. Mostly cuz on a site like this, I feel that females are more likely to get attention. Second, cuz I can empathize with people my age trying to make something of themselves. Plus, I get to be a 'part' of some cool shit. I've helped ppl buy more cattle, run a rice shop, fix motor bikes...that shit is cool!!

Sooooooo what are some ways that you help to make the world a little bit better?

Lip Synch Dysphoria

Monday, March 9, 2009

LIP SYNCH DYSPHORIA

By Philip Cairns

Copyright 2009 by Philip Cairns

The last time I did acid,

I had the overwhelming desire to cut off my hands.

In the twisted logic of my skewered mind,

I figured, since they were the most valuable part of my anatomy,

Being an artist,

Then, therefore, I must hack them off.

“Yes” means “no” and “no” means “yes”.

Being alone, I could only have cut off one hand

Since I don’t own a chain saw.

You’d be seeing me, right now, with a gory stump,

Long since healed, on the end of one arm.

I’d have to keep that mutilated thing in my pocket at auditions

Or I’d never get hired, again.

Don’t know which hand it would have been.

I’m ambidextrous but I favour my right hand in most things.

If I’d hacked off that one,

It would’ve taken me a while to come up to speed with the left.

I have a little voice, inside me, that protects me under such circumstances.

“Don’t do it. Relax. You’re high on acid. You’ll regret it in the morning.”

“But my hands are so important. I really should cut them off. It makes perfect sense.”

“You’ll bitterly regret it. Big time. Believe me.”

When I came down, I decided never again to take LSD.

After all, next time, I might not be so lucky.

My inner parent might not win the battle.

That was my 6^th trip.

The first time was in the 70s.

That evening, my friend told me he had dropped it, too,

But I think he was lying.

I was crazy about Bob but the feeling wasn’t mutual.

The two of us, and a plus-size female friend,

Went to see the Kubrick film, “2001: A Space Odyssey”

At a midnight showing at the Roxy.

What a perfect trip!! What a blast!!

The third time I dropped acid,

I was staying at a friend’s cottage on the French River.

Walking out onto the deck, in the glorious summer sunshine,

A hornet’s nest, lodged under the strips of wood,

Was accidentally disturbed and they went nuts,

But neither of us was stung.

I did some painting and talked a mile a minute with my hostess,

Smoking endless cigarettes.

I found a bug outside.

Its face looked so human to me.

I held it in my hand and felt that we were communicating on some strange level.

It looked like a tiny, little baby.

Late that afternoon, there was a knock at the door.

An older, balding man stood there with a message for me from my hostess’s mother,

Back in Scarborough.

He’d taken a boat from the marina in order to deliver it.

A major theatre, back in Toronto, wanted me for a part in a play with Len Cariou,

The Broadway star.

That’s what it said.

The director wanted to see me, the very next day.

We raced back to Toronto in her car, on very little sleep,

Weaving in and out of traffic,

With just enough time for me to shower and change

At my parent’s place in the Burbs.

Then Carol Anne drove me downtown to the theatre.

I walked in, portfolio in hand, with grand expectations and racing heart.

The bitchy, impatient Artistic Director snapped at me,

“We don’t want to see that.”

(He gestured at the portfolio of pictures from plays I had been in.)

“We just want to look at you and hear your voice.”

I read for him but was not cast.

It was just another audition.

I didn’t tell him what I’d gone through in order to get there on time.

My vacation was shot.

On the final LSD trip, the 6^th one, I also painted.

It was a wild, psychedelic acrylic abstract,

With eyes and eyelashes peering out from the frantic colours.

Lots of deep pinks and reds and pale blue and startling yellow.

A stranger phoned and said I sounded sleepy.

He seemed pissed off.

I had answered his personal ad in the paper.

“I’m painting a picture,” I said but he didn’t get it.

The Asian man never called back, as he said he would.

The 5^th time was totally unexpected.

An upstairs neighbour appeared at my door, late one night.

He reached in my front door, thrusting a beer in my face.

“I heard you moving about,” he said.

He wanted me to drop acid with him but I had to rehearse in the morning,

So I begged off.

The shaggy-haired blond kept plying me with beer.

He handed me a purple tab of acid and I said I would take it later.

I dropped it on the floor and Dave said, “It’s dirty. Better put it in your mouth, ”

Which I foolishly did.

After partying all night with this scuzzy guy,

I phoned the director the next morning.

He had long hair and seemed pretty cool so I figured it would be okay to be honest.

“I can’t come to rehearsal. I dropped acid last night. I haven’t had any sleep.”

Darshan started freaking out.

“Oh, no. Oh, no. Do you still want to do the play?”

“Of course. I just need some sleep.”

“I’ll call you,” he said but I never heard from him, again.

That was okay. The gig was a freebee in a speakeasy

And I didn’t really want to do it.

I heard through the grapevine that the production never happened.

Sometimes it’s best to tell a little white lie.

Colours look so vivid.

You think you’ve found all the deep, profound answers to the great mysteries of life.

Your sense of perspective is all topsy-turvy.

It’s like looking through the wrong end of a telescope.

Acid is so unpredictable.

Be careful.

Don’t do it by yourself, as I once did.

I was looking for truths.

Trying to find cosmic answers.

Wanted to know what all the media screaming was about.

Pink turns into swirling neon lime green.

Reality becomes a kaleidoscope.

You crave sex but it can be hard to function properly.

I somehow miss those wild, crazy times.

Life had infinite possibilities.

Now, it seems to be lots of cul de sacs, dead ends,

And doors slammed in my face.

Who needs sleep?

In high school, I was a complete insomniac. I think that it was due to everything after midnight was much more exciting. I had access to a computer, IRC, online communities, the fridge, music that I could freely dance around to. I would stay up until 4am and then go to school for 10am. My high school had lunch every period, so I would insist on first lunch and then I could sleep. :) Most days, I would skip 2nd period, so I could sleep some more.

During college, I kinda forgot about sleep. It was hard to fit in between school all week, placement for like 24 hours, and then another 24 hours with a part time job. Let's not forget the occasional social hang out plus whatever relationship was presently consuming my time. Yep, no time to sleep then.

For a year at my 'rents, I was getting plenty of sleep. I worked at 10am, lived 10 min. from work, and so if I stay up until 2, I could still get about 7 hours of sleep. I'd sleep in a bit on weekends on the occasion or just nap it up to catch up on some sleep.

I live alone now, it's quiet, like super quiet. Plus, I'm no longer in a basement. I've lived in basements for a large majority of my life. It's dark, like super dark down in them. No light comes in to wake one up at all. At my new place, I can't sleep in passed 8am most days. Usually, I'm up at 6:45 and then lie in bed telling myself that I'm not allowed out of bed until it's 8am. I usually defy me and get out around 7:15. Today I proudly slept in until 8:45, but only cuz of daylight savings.

I used to really love my sleep, I have fond memories of at some point enjoying sleeping in late and just lazying about all day. Now I wake up early, I have my oatmeal, dilly on the internet, watch Regis & Kelly, do some school work, do my yoga routine, have lunch, watch Family Feud, and then bounce off to work in the afternoon.

As BNL sings up top, 'Who needs sleep?'

The Circus in Thomson Park

Wednesday, February 25, 2009


THE CIRCUS IN THOMSON PARK


By Philip Cairns


Copyright 2009 by Philip Cairns


Marching and skipping across the top of the hill,
I could see the colourful parade come closer.
Vividly coloured Mardi Gras-like costumes,
Huge papier mache heads with enormous eyes.
Women dressed like gypsy fortune tellers
And brawny young men looking like Harlequin.
The sound of brass instruments
And the thump-thump of big, round drums.

Standing with my four siblings,
Amongst the canvas tents in a clearing in the suburban park,
I watched the procession as it drew nearer.
Smiling faces in a rag-tag band.
Electric blue, startling red, lush green grass and the deep brown earth.
The bubbling sound of the nearby creek.
The notes of the piccolo slipped out in a merry way,
Along with the bump-bump-bump of the heavy bass drum.

I remember the youthful face of the fortune teller,
Inside the hot, burning tarpaulin,
And the silly lies she told about my future.
The auburn haired young woman couldn’t have been more than seventeen.

Then, into the tent to see the Freaks of Nature.
The African Sausage Man with no arms or legs,
Lying on a wooden table, wrapped all in woollen clothing,
Rolling and lighting a cigarette using only his mouth and tongue.

A Pinhead in a dirty, sleeveless housedress,
Was sitting on the stage weeping and exchanging bitter words
With a short, mean, hideous man standing in the front row.
He was insulting and making fun of the pathetic, ugly woman.
(From this great distance in time,
I see her as being rather beautiful, in a Picasso sort of way.)
I was only eleven, but, even so,
I was appalled and disappointed by this so-called Freak Show.

Outside, again, there were stiltwalkers and jugglers
Roaming the grounds of the little ersatz circus.
There was cotton candy to consume,
Taffy apples to gobble
And sweet orange pop to slurp.

I walked home with an uneasy sensation in the pit of my stomach.
The Pinhead woman seemed so vulnerable and morbidly unhappy.
40 years down the road,
I remember the sight of her so clearly,
Sobbing on that makeshift stage in the intense August heat.
I went inside expecting to be frightened and excited
But came away feeling low and gypped.

The circus came to town.
Childhood dreams fell away,
Like the melting skin of a burn victim.
Phony adolescent psychics and depressed freaks
On a sweltering summer day in Scarborough.
A rerun from the past.

I know how many loads, but what will you let in?

Thank you!!! We had 14 people vote in this week's poll, we're slowly moving up in our results. Last week, I was curious to find out how many orgasms you've had in a day.

The results ranged from 1-2 all the way up to 7-8. It appears nobody's gone any higher in this group. Which probably means that we're an honest group. Which is nice to know. :)

42% only experience between 1-4 orgasms with one voter only going 1-2. I don't know about others, but 1-2 is almost a daily ritual...and that's just by myself. :P

On the top end is a full 21% who went 7-8 in a 24 hour period. Which makes sense, you've got your own loving, then maybe a few with somebody else, then you nap and go at it again. See it all adds up!

Now we've found out how much you let out each day, let's find out what you let in. Yep, it's time to reveal what goes in your lower holes (ass or pussy or both). It ranges from just a finger to dicks, toys, and nothing at all. :) This time around, you get to choose as many options as you please. Some people think that I'm able to track who votes for what...sorry, to my knowledge, it ain't possible. So feel free to vote anonymously and honestly!

What I've learned this last week...

I think that each week/day/second of our lives, we learn new things about ourselves/the world/whatever.

Here are some things that I've learned:

That honesty means something different to everybody. One person's version of honesty may not be another's. This is why clarity is so important. Feelings are less likely to be hurt, if we're just clear and honest with one another.

If you want somebody to do a task, just ask them how you can help them. An employee at work has been consistently late. I asked them to be punctual and then asked what I could do to help them be successful. They saw that I genuinely cared and wasn't trying to be a dick and *presto*, they're now on time...for now.

The universe works in its own way and you just need to let it do its work. 3 cancelled dates, 1 bad date, and a new light is presented. It doesn't always work out how you want it to, but it does always work out.

Music makes me happy. No matter what mood that I am, I can always turn to music (my own or others). Plus, if I need to clean, I just need to put on some music and the cleaning magically happens on its own. Dancing in your underwear to music and cleaning is a great combination too.

Not being in contact with someone for a few days is surprisingly freeing. I thought I'd spend my time thinking about them and their trip. Instead, I didn't even think about them until they popped back into my life. I'm still debating if this means that I can live without them in my life or just don't need to be as involved in there's.

I enjoy doing things for others and my friends - esp. when it's just me doing for them. Granted, I get that satisfaction of being helpful, but it's just good to help another out.

Bartering is super fucking awesome!! In this last week, I've exchanged for massage therapy and kick boxing lessons. Connecting with new people and sharing skills brings me happiness. Especially with comments like 'oh I thought this would really suck, but you can actually teach.'

What lessons has this last week given you?

small town tricks.

I live in a pretty small town, connected to a lot of other pretty small towns. Collectively, we make up the Region of York.

In my first post on "Let's Be Vain!!!" I revealed to everyone my first time with a dude. Since then, I've met many other guys around my neck of the woods, some of whom have moved on to bigger and better things with their new wives, while others have not budged at all.

A few weeks ago I was at the gym. While secretly checking out some of the really, really hot guys that like to prance around and "spot" one another, I caught the eye of this one particular douche.

This particular douche ended up being Mr. First.

I think he recognized me, cause he left right after.

A few days ago I was back at the gym and there he was again, by himself, lifting weights. It could have been the garish gym lighting or whatever, but he came off kindda fugly. He still had a nice body, but he just looked...really, really, tired. I mean, repressing ones own homosexuality can be stressful, but this guy seemed to me beating himself into the closet with a sledgehammer. He had raccoon eyes, his skin was pale and he had this permanent look of sadness on his face.

Poor guy.

And to think that a few years ago he had blown his load into my...hand.

This is most definitely one of those "What the fuck was I thinking?!?" moments in my life. I am sure you all have had those as well. I encourage you all to share and come clean with your past, so that we can all laugh together in collective embarrassment.