MY SECOND HEAD

Saturday, April 10, 2010

MY SECOND HEAD

By Philip Cairns

Copyright 2010 by Philip Cairns

Television ruined my life.
I grew a second head because of the radio-active waves.
It started as a pimple and just got bigger and bigger.
One day, I was awakened by loud cackling.
I thought it was a bad dream,
But it was this nasty second head, screaming lewd obscenities.
I went to the doctor but the head bit his fingers,
So amputation is out of the question.

My sex life is ruined.
This “thing” has Tourette’s Syndrome.
On a first date, the new man is truly horrified.
They always have an excuse for a quick exit.
No one ever says, “I can’t date you.
You have two heads.”
I think it’s best to be honest and straightforward,
Don’t you?

The worst part is that this appendage has foul breath
And refuses to do anything about it.
It’s a total turn-off.
I wake up in the morning in the jaws of hell,
Let me tell you.
This thing turns towards me and kisses me,
Smack on the lips.
It’s thoroughly disgusting.
I hate it so much.
It also belittles me and says cruel things to me.

One day, I’ll get a chain saw and cut it off,
When it’s sleeping.
Having a twin would be oh so nice
But this creature is deranged.
When I walk down the street,
It says rude things to people passing by.
It screams out nasty, sexist things to pretty women
And makes verbal passes at all the hunky young men.
Thank God I can run fast or my face would be a bloody pulp.

I think it may be bi-polar, actually.
Sometimes, the head weeps all day,
Spouting out negativity and cynicism,
Calling the world a vile, mean, horrid place.
It’s hard for me to concentrate when I read
With all that horrid babbling.

If I paint a pretty picture, it says things like,
“What a piece of crap! You have no talent.
Don’t give up your day job.”
That always puts me in a funk.

This wicked thing has bulimia, on top of everything else.
Just picture it!
It’s beyond monstrous.
Perhaps I should see a lawyer and find out what my legal options are.
Life can throw you some cruel curves.
Can someone help me?
Please!!
I just don’t know what to do.