RECIPE FOR A POEM

RECIPE FOR A POEM

By Philip Cairns

Copyright 2010 by Philip Cairns

First off, never use any swear words in your poem.
You don’t want to offend small town Ontario.
If you use even one naughty word,
You might get a nasty email from the event organizer
Asking you never to return to another reading at that venue.

Even if you have vile thugs in your poem,
Don’t let them swear.
When Matthew Shepard was being tied up and waiting to die,
Do you think his oppressors said rude, filthy words to him?
Of course not.
They were worried that maybe a librarian was hiding behind the bushes
And would tell on them.
We all know that thugs never swear.

Next, never talk about sex, not even the missionary position.
No one wants to hear about dirty, nasty sex in your poetry.
It will offend them.
Your audience only wants to hear about flowers,
And trees and mushy, misty things, like love.

Whatever you do,
Don’t talk about anything even mildly kinky.
It’s unnatural and evil.
Open-minded people don’t like poetry.
They’re too busy going to orgies and doing illegal drugs.
We all know that.

Don’t let the words trip off your tongue.
Don’t read it like a good Shakespearean actor.
People will think it isn’t really poetry.
They’ll tell you it’s just performance-art
Even if it's written in verse.
After all, at a poetry reading,
The audience can’t see your poem.
They can only hear it.

Also, never be bitter, angry or cynical in your verse.
Make it sound like a Hallmark card.
Sweet and sugary,
Something a 3 year old could understand.
If you’re feeling peeved or fed up or any of these unnatural emotions,
Don’t sit down to write a poem.
You’ll regret it.
They’ll never invite you to be a featured reader if you do.
You’ll be stuck doing open mics until you die.

Have I left anything out?
Oh, yes.
Don’t, whatever you do, write about homosexuality or bisexuality or any of those vile things.
The poetry audience is 98% heterosexual and they will hate you for mentioning those awful, sickening things.

And be sure never to go over the time limit at an open mic.
If you do it more than once, you'll never hear the end of it.
After all, what’ll you do if you’re banned from every venue in Toronto?
It’s expensive to move to New York.
You’ll have to get a real job and then you’ll have no time to write new poems.

If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to approach me.
I’m dying to end by using a nasty, wicked, filthy word.
That’s another thing,
Always exercise self-control when you’re writing.
Don’t get carried away with emotion.
If you do, you may end up breaking one of these rules.
The consequences of that are truly unthinkable.
Thank you so much for listening.
Class dismissed.