Sexual Ambiguity: Is It Betrayal?

Sexual Ambiguity: Is It Betrayal?

Is it always unethical/cowardly/irresponsible to remain quiet about one's sexual orientation when challenged to reveal it?

The other day at teachers college, one of my colleagues lead a class activity designed to promote an environment of inclusiveness.

He argued that this activity would be ideal in a High School setting. However, after going through the activity, I am not convinced that it would be ideal at all.

Essentially, the aim of the activity is to reveal student differences, reduce judgment, eliminate personal insecurities/anxieties, and promote unconditional acceptance. The logic is that one cannot learn in an environment where feel afraid of expressing themselves.

We were warned in advance that this activity would evoke powerful emotions.

We placed all the tables and chairs at the back, and then, the 35 of us were asked to line up on one side of the classroom.

The activity was conducted in the following way: the activity leader would make a statement, and then, if it applied to you, you would have to walk to the other side of the classroom, and then look back at everyone else.

Approximately 15 statements were made. Some of them included:
-step forward if you have ever been made fun of because of your weight
-step forward if you have ever been discriminated against because of your skin color
-step forward if you have ever bullied or been bullied by someone

It appeared that everyone was participating with honesty and bravery. Judging by facial expressions, powerful emotions were being aroused.

Personally, after the first two statements, I knew it was only a matter of time before the leader posed a statement regarding identification with a sexual minority group.

From the beginning, my heart was beating extremely fast and my legs were shaking with nerves, however, I was determined to respond with sincerity to every statement that was made. It was apparent that many of my classmates were also feeling unsettled.

Nevertheless, before I could settle into any remote state of comfort, the statement I was fearing was made, and my determination was compromised.

When the leader asked those who identified as a sexual minority to step forward, I felt like I stepped out of my body, went up to the cealing, and started observing myself as if someone else. What was I going to do? The pressure was on.

You may be thinking that I am not completely out and that my spirit is weak. And I can totally understand why one would think that. But I do consider myself out. However, while being out I am still introverted by nature, I am reserved and I do not feel comfortable having the spotlight on me. Should I feel guilty for not having stepped forward? Did I have an obligation to myself and other sexual minorities to step forward?

When the leader posed that statement, it forced me to identify as either straight or LGBT. And I do not think that was fair. I liked being ambiguous. I never expressed myself in such a way that would label me straight or gay. However, when the statement was made, I could no longer remain ambiguous. If I crossed I was labeled, if I did not, I was labeled too.

In hindsight, I could have argued that I felt that the activity was inappropriate and that I could no longer participate.

In any event, I chose not to cross, and now, most of the class would assume that I do not identify with a sexual minority. Do I feel guilty? Yes I do. I feel like I let myself down, my family, my friends and all those people that also identify as a sexual minority. I feel like I had a moral responsibility to cross; a duty to act and be a role model. I felt an overwhelming sense of shame for a number of days.

As a gay man, living in the specific society we live in, one where tolerance and homophobia are both produced and reproduced by our social institutions, is it not ok for me to remain anonymous? Or do I have an ethical duty to act?

How do my personal traits (e.i. introvertedness) and practical fears (i.e. fear that prejudice will somehow affect my chances of landing a teaching position next year) factor into all of this? Although it is illegal to discriminate on the basis of sexual orientation, people who are homophobic can always think of clever ways to disguise their bias when rejecting you. Am I just paranoid? The more I write, the more I feel I am. Maybe I just need to relax, have a bit more self-confidence and be a little less cynical.

Ultimately, I wonder: did I betray sexual minorites when I chose not to step forward? Is it really my introverted nature that makes me want to remain anonymous or is it just the possibility that I am still struggling with demons from my adolescent years of sexual repression?

Any thoughts?